Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Contemplating........

I have been contemplating addressing all of the hate mail that I have received since my post last night about my oldest son. Funny how it seems that people just jump on and see one post, and you can tell that they obviously have NOT been following my blog because if they did, and knew anything about our family, the would not be saying the things they do. Or maybe they would, who knows.

So first of all, the biggest thing I have to say, is, if you don't like what you see, there is this little X in the top right hand of the corner. All you have to do is put your little arrow up there and click it and go.....Buh Bye!!!! Nobody ever forced you to come here in the first place.

Now, as far as Dakota is concerned. This was never about him nor his meltdowns. He has had these episodes since he was two years old. They started when he could not get a toy to do what he wanted to, and he would sit there and cry inconsolably, throw the toy on the floor and put his hands over his ears. He still does that to this day when he does not get his way. He has a severe social disorder. When he has these melt downs we just let him have them and they have gotten so much better over time. Now they only last maybe 15 min tops.

The whole thing that made this situation so blown out of proportion was the Grandparents. They were the ones who escalated this situation, and by doing so hurt Dakota. They are the ones who have told him since we moved here, (less than a mile from where they live) that if Mom and Dad are mean to him, that he is to call them and they will come get him, and he can live with them. Keep in mind that because of his disability his idea of mean, and what he understands as being mean is us asking him to do his chores, which are: feeding the rabbits, and dishes every other day. That's it. That is all he can handle. We are fine with that.

So when yesterday rolled around, and his routine was thrown off by a late dinner due to being at Dr. appointments all day, as well as people coming over to welcome us to the neighborhood, it was a set up for a melt down. It was late, his medication had worn off, and his routine was thrown off. The only reason we did not make it through this meltdown was because the grandparents who have no clue what goes on in Dakota's daily life over reacted, and did not sit down like adults with my husband and I and discuss things. Had they have done that this never would have happened.

I was never upset at Dakota for his meltdown, nor for him calling his grandparents. It was them who I was upset at. As far as me violating his privacy by asking for help from some of my blog readers by posting the situation, give me a break. Do you know how many people out there have children with Down Syndrome that also have autistic tendencies, which is what Dakota exhibits? Why do you think he sees three different types of therapists? Why do you think I spend all of my days taking kids back and forth to school and to therapy? Um maybe I want them to succeed. I am not pushing for testing, and taking my son to the very best specialists he can go to just for fun. Or just to seek attention, my children deserve the very best that they can get.

I found the comment of Dakota's friends reading this and making fun of him so naive. When your 12 year old functions at a 5 year old level when it comes to social skills, and those social skills cause problems with academics, that makes for very few friends. He would rather sit back and watch a group of people and be very content with that. He has no friends his age, and he is also very content with that as well. He would much rather go hang out with mom and dad at a restaurant or in a book shop than go and play with his peers. He makes relationships with either adults or children who are significantly younger. That is who he is, and you know what? I would not have him any other way. He is special to me just as much as any of my other kids. Even when he is having a meltdown, and he is screaming at the whole world, he is still my son and as much as it hurts me to see him go through these, I know that is how he deals with things, and that is how his brain works. I would do anything for that child.

It was not fair to him, and it broke my heart to have him come home from group therapy tonight and tell me that he is sorry his grandparents told me that I was a failure, he sat there and told me that he wouldn't want any other mom, and he knows that calling them when he is upset because he has to do chores is not the right thing to do.

His therapists have decided that it is time to bring Grandma and Grandpa in and lay some serious boundaries if they are going to see him, and you know what? I don't care if the Grandparents see this. If they want to play the blaming game for his social problems, maybe they need to look at their own son who wants nothing to do with Dakota simply because his wife can't handle a child who has a disability. Bottom line is, is that he is not their child and they are not the ones raising him, nor have they ever. But they are a significant part of his life, and he loves them. I will not take them away from him unless it is causing serious harm to him. I will not stoop to their level and try to remove him from the things that are so important to him. It simply is not fair to him.

But if they cannot follow the boundaries, set by me, Andy, and Dakota's therapists, then there may come a day that they do need to stop seeing him. Until then, I will do everything in my power to make sure that they understand that although I am upset, I will not take him away from them, nor them from him. But they do need to understand that they are not an outlet for him to run to every time he wants out of something, and he needs to understand this as well.

All of his chores that he has to do, have been ran by his therapists to make sure that he is getting an adequate amount of responsibility, but yet not so much that he overloads, and explodes.

So that is where we are at. I do apologize for the panicky jumbled up post last night. I was an emotional wreck thinking that I was a failure, and I know that many of you out there have been through situations like that, or have known of a friend or family member that did. I posted seeking advice on what to do, and I got it. Thank you so much to those of you who have helped me through this. I am still extremely upset at the whole situation, hence the post at 3:30 in the morning, but I know that we will get through this. It is our trials that make us such strong people.

I can't help but think that God has great things in store for our family the way he is strengthening us now. I have met many a great friends along this journey, and I treasure each friendship more than you will ever know.

For those who sent the hate mail, I can get a general idea of where you came from, and I just ask you to once again, click on that little X in the top right hand side of your screen, and please don't come back. Because this blog is my blog, it is how I keep my sanity, I will not address this issue anymore, as it is simply silly. But I do feel like for my son's sake and in his defense that some of his issues be addressed once again. The beautiful thing about the Internet is that you get to choose where you go and what you read. The delete button, and that little X in the top of the corner are wonderful tools when you find yourself somewhere you don't want to be. Amazing isn't it?

10 comments:

RK said...

Amen...it's your blog, vent if you need to. I say kudos for handling it as well as you did!

Michelle said...

I recently began reading your blog, we have a 6 month old daughter w/DS.

I also have a 13 year old daughter with autism. She's very high-functioning. Sounds a LOT like your son; Meltdowns, tantrums, "social mis-perceptions" (great phrase) where she feels little things are great big actions against her. She has one friend.
Being out of routine is a huge problem for her, and she will have tantrums like a 5 year old.

I'm so sorry you got hate mail about your post. I meant to comment yesterday - In support!! I know how hard parenting is, and how hard it is to parent a child with special needs.

keep doing what you feel is best for your son - and definitely try to draw some boundaries with his grandparents. That sounds like progress!

Hang in there!

Stephanie said...

Bravo!!!

Tonya said...

Pam,
I am truly amazed at your strength through everything you have on your plate. I have been following your blog for a few months and have nothing but sincere respect and admiration for you. You are a great person and a wonderful mom!
(((hugs)))
Tonya

Colleen said...

I didn't read the blog you posted before this, so I don't know exactly what you had said. But you are so right, this is YOUR blog, and this is where you go to express frustrations, celebrations, etc. I'm sorry you got hate mail because of what you wrote. They haven't walked a day in your shoes, so they shouldn't have judged you. I hope they'll learn to use the X button if they see something they don't like!
~Colleen :)

Kei said...

Hey friend.... Bravo. Not that the readers who felt compelled to post something distasteful or hateful even deserve to be addressed, nor should you have to explain yourself to them, but you said it so well.

Love ya!

Kaden's mommy said...

I wasn't able to read the blog you had writen before this one, but I honestly find it disgusting that somebody can find it in them to judge somebody else. This person or persons probably have no idea what it is like raising a child with special needs. After reading this last entry it has helped me see more of what the behavioral specialist saw with Kaden when diagnoising him with autism, the getting very upset with his toys when things don't go his way, or his preference to adults rather than children his age. Thank you for that. But like you, I would not want him any other way. That is him and that is his personality and I love him for it. You are doing a wonderful job, and I am glad to see that who ever this person or people are their words have no affect on you. Maybe one day, people will learn to be more understanding to different situations and pull their heads out of their bottoms!!! It's very reassuring to know that God trusted you and I as parents for these wonderful children for a reason, and I am so grateful that he did. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and I hope that you continue to get positive comments, you deserve them...Amy

Lily said...

Kudos to you! This is your blog. People must be pretty miserable with their own life to have to write negative things about children!

Niksmom said...

{{{{{Pam}}}}} Wow, I obviously missed a pretty significant post. I am so sorry that people feel it is their "right" to go around sniping at others who are reaching out in pain and frustration for support and answers. I hope you got what you needed.

You are absolutely an amazing mom and the things you and your family have been through will only make you a stronger unit. I hope the therapist is able to get through to the grandparents, too! They should your biggest supporters NOT tearing you down and undermining you at every turn!

You know where to reach me if you need to vent...niksmom at gmail dot com.
Love to you and your beautiful family!

Marla Fauchier Baltes said...

I knew you were going through a lot with that last post. Understandably so. I am so sorry that you had to endure hateful comments. There is no excuse for that. People seem to take pleasure in other peoples struggles. Very disturbing. My daughter Maizie is autistic, recently diagnosed with an extra Chromosome 6p also that they believe causes the majority of her ongoing seizures, heart problems, etc. My daughter used to have severe rages so I know how they can be viewed by friends and family who do not understand. Very difficult to handle. Sounds like you are doing well and I totally think you are a great mom in getting testing and therapy, etc. for your children. I too have felt people thinking I am taking our daughter to appointment after appointment, test after test for the heck of it. Like for attention or something. Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. You are a very strong woman. Keep working hard and keep blogging! I get strength reading blogs like yours and knowing other people are struggling with similar issues. We should be there to support one another. I have been praying for your family. I hope things are calmer now and looking up.