Saturday, March 8, 2008

Overwhelmed, Scared, and Frustrated.........

It seems like these are the feelings that best describe my life these days. I am overwhelmed with daily chores of keeping the house clean, laundry, bathrooms, dishes, just being a stay at home mom in general.

I am scared about Rhett's upcoming surgery. There are so many unknowns. I was going to try to get into the Ronald Mcdonald house, but was wondering how we were going to pay the measly $10.00 a day to stay there. Then my prayers were answered. One of my amazing friends Danielle, lives very close to PCMC, and is coming tomorrow to bring us some things as well as the key to her house so that I can come and go as I need to. Oh how I am looking forward to having somewhere to stay. It is such a huge stress relief.

While Rhett is in the PICU there is nowhere to stay. The parent rooms fill up fast as there are only 4 of them, and they are reserved for people who live the furthest away and have the most critical children. The cold leather couches are not the most comfortable to sleep on in the PICU waiting room, and they fill up pretty dang quick too.

Remember last year when Rhett had his hernia surgery? The night before he was overdosed Andy and I both had an icky feeling that we needed to stay close, and there was an outdoor retailer show going on, so every hotel/motel in SLC was full. We ended up running to Walmart and buying a sleeping bag and a down comforter as well as a few pillows to go with the blankets we already had in our Durrango, and spending the night in it. That was in January in Utah. We woke up to 6 inches of snow on our vehicle. All I'm saying, is its a good thing Andy is like an oven.

This time though, I wont have the luxury of my oven keeping me warm. He can't handle being at the hospital. It sends him into major anxieties, and then he ends up depressed for two weeks afterwards. He will be there for the initial surgery, and will come up and see us on Easter with the rest of the kids, but other than that, I am on my own. Maybe that's where my feelings of scared come from?

I worry about something going wrong. I am anal about watching the monitors, and any time he alarms, my insides twist and then I have my anxiety attack. I am sure things will be fine, but nothing is the same anymore. I can't go into that hospital and feel peace. I have tried so hard. I hope it comes in time.

My feelings of frustration come from the fact that it has been 3 weeks since Rhett's PH Probe, and they still can't find the results anywhere. I decided that if general surgery couldn't come up with them by last Friday that I was going to call GI and give them a piece of my mind. This is getting beyond a joke.

We have to know by Wednesday whether they want to do a Nissen/G-tube or not. We have to plan all of these surgeries by the most important first, and dang it, I don't want to be sitting here being jerked around by 50 thousand doctors. I am sick of it. I am thinking of requesting a new surgeon. This is just getting ridiculous.

On the brighter side of things, Wednesday looks to be a very busy day, but filled full of super fun things. We have to be up to PCMC at 9 am for our appointment with neurosurgery. Then at 11 we take Chloee to the salon to have her Princess Makeover done. After that we head home to drop Rhett off to my sister, and our PINK limo should be to our house around 4 pm to pick us up and take us to the show.

My sister and I went to the Disney Store to find Chloee a Princess outfit, but they were all out of her size, so we went with Tinker Bell......after all Tinker Bell will be the special guest at Disney on Ice. We got her the outfit, complete with shoes, and light up wings, as well as a Tinker Bell locket, and purse. My sister spoiled her rotten!!!

We also went into Claire's, and got her a Tiara and a bracelet to match that says Daddy's girl. She is going to look so cute!! I am so excited for her. Be prepared for a plethora of pictures to come......

Of course to make it up to the two older boys, we have scheduled a fun night for each of them with just mom and dad after Rhett gets out of the hospital. I am looking forward to all of them, and am so thankful that my sister has offered to watch Rhett and the rest of the kids for these special days.

I guess my title should read Overwhelmed, Scared, Frustrated and Excited huh?


Niksmom said...

I wish I lived close enough so I could some over and help you around the house or give you a short break at the hospital. I understand those feelings you described all too well.

On the PH results and stuff...have you called the pediatrician to ask for help in getting answers? (I don't know if your ped is good w/that...ours is and we feel very lucky.) You have every right to be angry and upset that they can't find the results and that it's keeping you from even knowing whether Rhett is going to have a certain procedure done yet. That's ridiculous! I would call patient relations at the hospital on Monday and ask for some assistance in getting answers.

Sending you prayers, good thoughts, and hugs!

And enjoy every minute of the princess adventure!

~Melissa~ said...

The princess adventure sounds like so much fun!!

I understand why you would be anxious. You all are in my prayers.

Marla said...

I am so glad Chloee gets a special outfit to wear on her big day. How fun!

They lost the results? Argh! I am so glad you found somewhere to stay. I imagine you are very stressed out indeed! If it was me I would be asking my doctor for a prescription of Xanax to be taken as needed. I am serious about that. I have done it before when our lives have been very stressed in the past where M is concerned. It helped me with panic. I was not overly sleepy on it either, just more able to cope.

Once again...hugs and prayers.

Childlife said...

Lots of prayers for you this week, Pam... I know those feelings well and will be praying that everything goes smoothly. And I hope Chloe has an absolute ball... she deserves it! :)

Gabi's Mommy said...

Oh Pam, my heart is aching for you. The fears you are having are completely understandable! Rhett is a tough little guy though! Just trust in the Lord he has taken care of Rhett before and he will do it again this time. We will definitely be keeping you in our prayers.

My mom flipped through the Piggies for Gabi book today, I pointed out Rhett and told her he was my favorite...she smiled so big and said he is absolutely adorable:) As if you have never heard that before!

We will be looking forward to the pics of Chloee's big day.

Keep your head up! I wish I could reach through and give you a huge hug!!!

Hugs, loves, and prayers:)

Carey said...

Can't wait to see Chloee pictures! You'll have a blast. Hey if you need any support as far as hanging out at the hospital alone, just give me a buzz! I'll be doing the same thing. It does get lonely and scary, but I've learned to get through it. I'll be on my toes again this round though as she'll get NEW chemo drugs, and you never know what the new drugs will do or how she'll react. Love you guys, hang in there!

Sustenance Scout said...

Thinking of you, Pam! Hugs from Denver, K.

Shari said...

Glad to see a picture of your family on your blog. You are such a cute looking family. I prayed for Rhett and his upcoming surgery. It must be so scary and frustrating for you to have to see your baby having to go in for another surgery. I pray that God will strengthen and sustain your family. Sometimes it's really hard to believe, but God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Damama T said...

Pam, PLEASED call the hospital and request that one specific care advocate or nursing contact be place in charge of helping you through all this. I cannot believe that, under the circumstances, they would not have people available to do that.

As always, PUSHing for you! (Pray until Something Happens)

HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CHLOEE DAY! You and she both deserve it. Can't wait for pictures! xoxoxo