.......And Sometimes I Feel Like Linus.....

The other day if you remember I said my life felt a lot like Charlie Brown's. It seems like as time goes on, I don't know if it's the fact that we are watching Peanuts specials or what, but I seem to relate to a lot of the characters.

Linus is the overly intelligent type, but has certain aspects of his life that he isn't ready to let go, like his blanket and his thumb. They are security items. I have a few of those things in my life as well.

But what strikes me the most about Linus is his never wavering belief about The Great Pumpkin. No matter how many times someone tells him that The Great Pumpkin is not coming, he still believes.

I have kind of felt like that the last few weeks. Between Chloee and Rhett it seems like people have been telling me left and right that certain things may be happening with my children....things that I refuse to belive.

The only thing I belive in, is my children and their ability to fight. I have seen miracles happen in the three years since Rhett has been born. Just the fact that I stayed pregnant with him was a miracle in itself. There was a time when the Dr's were ready to do a D&C because I had some bleeding and the amniotic sac looked wrong. I wouldn't let them do it.

Why?

Because not two months before this I had signed a form telling the Dr's that they could take my fetus out of me.(And it was a fetus because I was 11 weeks along.) The one with the beating heart that had just happened to attach in the left fallopian tube instead of the uterus.

I couldn't do that again.

This time if that fetus was in the right spot, if anything was going to happen it was going to be of God's will. Not done just because it didn't "look right" to the Dr's. Every week for 6 weeks I went back for an ultrasound, and everytime the fetus and the amniotic sac seemed to look better.

I had a pair of newborn pajamas that I had bought the day I found out I was pregnant. I kept them under my pillow every night and willed this child inside of me to keep growing and to be okay, to be born and wear the cute little Winnie The Pooh jammies that I had bought special, just for this baby.

That was my security blanket then.

There have been times that Andy has left to go on business trips, and I would pull his shirts out of the laundry and sleep in them just so I could smell him because I missed him.

Another security blanket.

Now it seems that my biggest security blanket of them all has become my family. When I am not with my kids I am lost. When Andy works late I miss him. I want us all to be together. I want things to be normal. Even if it's just "our normal." But I will give anything too keep my security blanket here. I know that miracles happen every day, I see them, not just with our family but with others as well.

I don't want to ever have to leave one of my children behind.

I started at a young age. I was only 16 when I had Dakota. Some may scoff at that and say, "Wow, you should be ashamed." But I'm not. Because although I missed out on High School, my senior prom, and many other things that teenagers should do, I feel like I am a better person for it. I grew up fast. I don't know that I would have been able to handle everything and be okay with everything that has gone on in our lives if I hadn't already experienced trials and overcome them.

I would not trade Dakota for anything. I am so glad I have him. Do I wish I would have waited? Of course. I have talked with many a teenager who thought they wanted a baby. I have told them what I went through, how it felt to have his father discard us both like we were nothing. I like to think that I made a difference.

One thing I always did though was never loose faith that my soul mate was out there. I met him before I knew he was my soul mate, and it took him some serious begging, pleading, and all out being annoying as hell, (sorry Andy) before I would go out with him. (seriously people 6 months of it).

One date and I was hooked. I knew I had found him.

See I had faith, and I believed.

It seems like having faith, believing, having hope, and never giving up, have become our mottos in life.

So for now I will be like Linus, hold my security blanket tight, (though I think I will pass on the whole thumb sucking thing), and continue to Believe that God will provide for us, and continue to work miracles. Because right now I can't belive anything else.


Today I am thankful that Rhett's swallow study went well, and his Nissen is still in place, even if it means that I am going to have to learn to suction him three times a day now ~ Anything to keep us out of the hospital every month.